Relationships
Deirdre Blues
Oh Deirdre, Oh Deirdre, what words can I say to express how I feel when you are far away. But Deirdre, when you are close to me and I think of the things you do, my whole body starts to shake and that's when I feel blue. The sight of your gargoyle face and the words that spit from your mouth, make me break out in a cold, cold sweat and I wish I was far, far south. Oh Deirdre, it has to be said, the taste of your cooking makes me ill. Your under-cooked roasts are really vile, as for your soup, well it's pig swill. Your gas-like breath sends me to sleep. Your toxic nagging drives me to drink. I don't know how much more I can stand! Oh Deirdre I'm dangling on the brink. But 0h Deirdre, when I'm feeling low Maybe all is not doom and gloom. Your fortune will be mine if you die. So Deirdre, my darling, please die SOON. Mother (Revised) When all alone, quiet, and lost in thought, I smile for the at attention that I often sought I see again the times when I was young. Knowing if I was sad then you would come. You would dry teardrops that then would flow A soothing word and I'd forget my woe You were my bedside nurse on a restless night. ,I was consoled that you were not far from my sight. Your wrath confused me when I misbehaved, I now see love through your stormy rage. I never believed that I was ever wrong. But with your wise words I have grown Oh so strong. So when I think of you, Mother and friend, All regrets are over, all sorrows end. Green Fingers
Dave, who when his time came to retire
Thought he'd have a quiet life But instead he soon discovered That he had a nagging wife. He acquired an allotment to pass the time An hour or two of solitude out of the house. A relaxing day in the summer sun. Far away from the over bearing spouse. Then one day he had a shock. While relaxing with a cold beer. In the distance, rolling down the path, A nightmare come true, his worst fear.. His wife came ever closer. Wearing a massive grin. She put out her arms to greet. And kissed him on the chin. I have come to help you' She said with a smile. 'I will come here every day. And be with you for a quite a while' Now he did not fancy this one bit. And tried gently to decline. But his wife insisted. and said together They must spend more time. So he asked her 'what would you like to do.?' 'Oh just give me the spade.' she said. So reluctantly he did as she asked And brought the spade down on her head. Then he dug a fresh new plot. And buried her in the ground. Her skill in the garden was proved true. With a good harvest all year round. But he was eventually caught. And how was most absurd. For his wife had the final say. As always had the last word. Of his fruit and veg Dave was proud Set up a business, sold door to door. Until somebody noticed something sprout. It was not a spring onion they saw. Dave goes over the day again and again. As in his cell he lingers. For what was seen poking out the ground. Were two solitary green fingers. The Snake
There once was a couple, called Adam and Eve
Who a little joke they did conceive They told all, that as they walked They met a snake that talked But the plan backfired when it was believed. Glug
Wannabe escape artist Ed's first trick
took place in a tank of water Tied up with chains. Wife swapped padlock key. Also final trick. |
Burger Love
her quarter-pounder eyes edged with charcoal coaxed me inside. her round succulent body i savoured hungrily as from table to table she rolled. a small gherkin green nose sat on lips of tomato sauce surrounded by a cheesy smile as my fingers touched i knew it was burger love. Valentines Day Love As she walked in to the room The air filled with the smell of lilacs Sweet music drifted to my ears As she walked in to the room. As she walked in to the room My heart skipped a thousand beats My eyes saw the worlds beauty As she walked in to the room. As she walked in to the room Her smile enlightened my day Her shining hair moved my emotions As she walked in to the room. As she walked in to the room She embraced a young man nearby My dreams awoke me to reality As they walked out of the room. Thoughts
Do not just stand there
By the door laughing at me. I can read your mind. Do not say your love Is not meant for someone else I can read your mind. Do not say I care Where you go away today. I can read your mind. Do not turn around. Try to explain why to me. I can read your mind. Do not ask my thoughts. For you would run a mile if, You could read my mind. The Original Sin
As Adam and Eve walked through the garden
Their love grew and grew They gathered berries for their supper And leaves for a brew. Later as they lay naked under the stars Adam kissed Eve and gently stroked her thighs They heard a sound, turned in fright And saw a vision before their eyes. 'Stop, sin no more or go to Hell' Spake the fanged head But then it spoke no more As with a stone Adam hit it till dead. Adam turned to Eve with a smile 'We still have much to learn and see But what I'd really like to know Is what was in that tea? No Farting Allowed
There was a man named Fred
Who liked eating baked beans in bed One day when he farted He and his wife parted 'Well it's quicker than divorce' Said Fred. CHRIS
Chris's beliefs, were his own
It's true he worshiped Worshiped well. But no one God, No one idol. With a hand cupped over a ear He preached to his disciples, Conveyed his love of words. He passed on his knowledge, In the only way he could. His faith was in people And their ability to write. Heaven's book was opened As followers saw the light. I, like my teacher, Am a man of little religious faith Skeptical about the after-life. So why are my feelings strange Each time I write? Like a hand guiding mine over pages, Images each time I read. I see a smiling face, Hear a Challis joke. Encouraged by words that are kind. I am haunted by memories. This I don't mind. Like the lion who is king of the jungle, Chris Challis was one of a kind. Dedicated to a tutor at a night writing school. He died in around 1997 after a fall at home aged 50. Written shortly after his death. I have just added one line in the first part and one word in the second. |